and then I picture someone else in your arms, I picture someone else making your heart beat the way I did and someone promising to love you how I did. I picture you falling asleep thanking god for someone else, I picture someone running their hands on your body promising to keep you warm during winter nights and.. I fall apart
when did I accept this as the definition of love? when did it start becoming ok for someone to leave me on the street and drive away? when did I have to beg for love and affection? since when did I have to beg to be loved ? when did that love I had for myself go out the window and why did I let someone else define it for me ???! Since when was it okay for someone to yell at me like that, to put me down like that.. To make me feel like I only belonged to him but he belongs to the world. My heart is fucking shattered and I pray to God the strength to leave, I pray for God to put back that light in me that went out, I pray for a friend. I pray for love. I pray for myself. Because I am so so lost and I can’t even begin to remember the steps back, I’m alone. I have no one, literally no one fucking cares , I can’t cry or talk to anyone about this , I keep it all bottled with the hopes someone will come along and just hug me. Just genuinely ask if im okay. And for once i’ll feel the trust to say “no” to ask for help. Please help, im not ok. My heart isn’t ok. It never is , I never am.
9/6/18 To the old me: I miss you. I miss your smile and your positivity. I miss the ways you would wake up in the morning smiling, I miss the way you would put on music and dance around with no worries in your heart. I miss the way you would go to sleep with a whole heart, I miss the way you would smile and laugh around loved ones. I miss the way you would sing at the top of your lungs to the happiest music. I miss the way you turned the bad into good.
At what point did you stop turning on the music? At what point did it get so bad you started crying every night?
Where did you lose yourself? .. When did you lose yourself?
When did you let someone in and why? Why did you let someone destroy all the hardwork we put in to fix your heart?
Come back. I’m tired .. and drained
I’m tired of crying myself to sleep, i’m tired of carrying a heavy broken heart. I’m tired of accepting lies and heartbreak when I am worth so so much more.
I want to feel okay again. I want to feel happy again.
Sometimes life really throws shit at you without any warning and it’s so scary and unfair and you ask yourself “Why me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” and its so easy to let yourself crawl into a hole of pity and sadness and negativity which is what i’ve been doing.. But hey LIFE GOES ON!! This is temporary and it’s not the end of the world. If there’s a solution, there’s a way. I will find something better. I will and already am a better person than those who push me down and I will be okay even if right now im not.
En todas las relaciones hay momentos de peleas, de decirse cosas no tan bonitas, es ahí donde considero volver a la soledad, donde solo yo me puedo decir lo que sea(Como debería ser)
(via little-1-creature)